oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
