I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
