I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
