last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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