I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize