Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
