So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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