Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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