My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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