woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
