im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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