I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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