Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
