fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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