I hate your face
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
