So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
