Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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