after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
