Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
