so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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