My room smells like vodka and shame
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
