This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
