I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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