Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
