Just fell off a train. Bad.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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