I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
