I should be sponsored by Trojan
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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