cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
