Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
