i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
