My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize