I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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