don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
