I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
