Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
