Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
