Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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