im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
