i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
