I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
