and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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