god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think your dad took our porno
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize