Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
