Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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