Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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