I will die if light touches me.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
