Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
