Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
