Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
