help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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