Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize