you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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