I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
