I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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