u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
