The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
