She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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