Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
