No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
