I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
