Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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