At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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