i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
